Tá Póit Orm

The hangover was a monster yesterday, so I decided to have a quiet beer and packet of peanuts in the Bierstube. This somehow managed to turn itself into a ten hour session, which saw us return to the flat around 7.30am.

We got chatting to the girls sat behind us, as they were trying to pinpoint where we were from by our accents. The plan was to meet Sonia in the Shamrock anyway, so we invited them along. Paul and Dermot shared a cocktail. Gays. The pub shut at 3am, so we taxied our way to Ostbahnhof for some Irish fun. Apparently, the place closes at 9am, but Paul got himself mauled on cider (lethal) and had to call it a morning.

Today, I feel like someone has massaged my brain with sandpaper. No more drinking until next weekend. I'm starting a new course, qualifying me to teach English as a foreign language. Hoorah.

Notes to self:

- Get in touch with new tutor.
- Don't drink cider again.

Lisa's Leaving Do

As they own the nicest flat, and they're the best chefs and boozers, the Italian girls hosted Lisa's final party. Apparently, she blew 90€ on goods, so there was no shortage of anything (particularly rum). I wasn't planning on going, because I was feeling like shit and in a foul mood, but I spoke to a smaller, Hawaiian monkey, and it cheered me up. We decided to get suited and booted, and made a fashionably late entrance...

The gaff was packed - amazing turnout, but we'd arrived too late to get any food. Typical. The only things left were booze and Wotsits.

Not the good, British kind, mind - crappy German equivalents. The Germans are shite when it comes to crisps.

The neighbours were going a bit ape, so we headed off to the Milch Bar. When we got to the S-Bahn station, the last had gone, so we had to get an idiotic number of taxis. My memory is a little hazy from then on. I don't really remember getting home. I do remember we lost Dermot. Fabrizzio stayed the night, because he thought he'd left his keys at the girls' place. When he woke up, they just rolled out of his pocket.

FC Bayern München 3-2 FSV Mainz (AET)

I got a message from Hash about two hours before the German cup-match kicked off. He claimed that there were still a shitload of unsold tickets yesterday evening, and that if we headed down to the stadium, we could get in on the cheap. He was right. After a lot of pant-shitting that we wouldn't make it, we managed to pick up tickets for only 20€ a pop at the entrance. Legendary.

I thought we'd end up with absolute gash seats for that price, but i think we got the best view in the house. The Allianz Arena is one of the biggest stadiums in the world, built for the forthcoming World Cup. The whole thing even changes colour, depending on which teams are playing. It's currently shared by both FC Bayern and 1860 München, so sometimes we can see it glowing red from Dermo's balcony, and sometimes blue.

I was far too cold, in spite of my fur and fleece, but the lads seemed to enjoy themselves. Their coats looked much warmer.

The game went to extra time, and we thought it was gonna go to pens (in true German style), but Paulo Guerrero hammered in the winner with five minutes left on the clock. We were pretty chuffed to be honest, 'cuz it's currently -7 C in Munich and none of us could feel our feet.

Think I might blow the rest of my student loan on a season ticket.

Pierce My Face

Well, I did indeed meet Marco and Fabrizio in town, and yes, it did indeed end in tears. Paul got his eyebrow pierced and a bar put through it. I can't make up my mind whether I like it or not. He assured me it didn't hurt, but the needle was massive.

After that we went for the Pizza Hut 'All You Can Eat' for 6€. Managed to eat all of the pizza in Munich. I'd been studying in the afternoon, so the all night Pro Evolution Soccer session was definitely deserved.

Pimp My Gaff

I'm definitely gonna move in with Trinks, but Pavel doesn't disappear until the 20th February, so I'm staying with Dermo 'til then. The crabby old hags from the Studentenwerk are evicting me on the 30th (Jan). After a heavy night on the beers, I summoned Alberto and Dog to my place to help me lug shit across the city.

We decided not to deflate the inflatable chairs, hoping it would make the U-Bahn mission more comfortable. It did. Most people were rather impressed at our efforts to turn the train into our own lounge. Some were even videoing and taking photos with their mobile phones.

I'm in the box.

The image quality isn't the best, but Fonz, the moron, has lost the instructions for his camera, and can't turn that stupid blur off.

We've 'bachelor-padded' Dermo's place up to the max: Gamecube, PS2, inflatable chairs, fridge (beers), inflatable beer holder, pizza menu, laptop and internet. I reckon we're gonna get some serious studying done.

Today I shall be applying for a job in Munich, and trying to fix up one in France for next year. I also need to get a German keyboard, wireless mouse, and some screen wipes for my laptop ( 'cuz it's covered in shit). There's talk of meeting Fabrizzio and Marco in Marienplatz at 5pm. We'll see how it goes - could end in tears...

D'you reckon he's gonna throw a party?

It's Wolfgang Amadeus's 250th birthday in seven days time - I was informed last night. I reckon the celebrations are gonna be huge around here, so I'm trying to arrange a small trip from Munich to Salzburg, then on to Vienna, then back - on the actual day. I've got my new 'Europe On A Budget' book with me, so I should be able to do it on the cheap. Fonzie, if you're reading this, you're coming.

Is it my imaginatiAAAANN, or have I finally found something worth looking for?

I've decided to move in with Trinski. I hope he can stand me blasting out Oasis round the clock. Today I'm emailing the sour old bags from the residences office to tell them what's happening.

My friend, Cabes, saw a whale in the Thames today. It's plastered all over the British news apparently.

Click To See The BBC News Story

"The last thing we want to do is stress the animal out"
Liz Sandeman
Marine Connection

Well said, Liz. I wholeheartedly agree.

Der Patient war um 3.45 von Sanitätern in einer Discothek am Boden liegend aufgefunden worden.

I hadn't been out for a whole week, so last night we hit it hard. I two fat grilled sausages with potatoes and Sauerkraut in the Hofbräuhaus and a litre of beer. I took a photo of Snake and Dog standing in front of the Bavarian brass band, but subsequently lost my camera's memory card. Cheers Lisa. We went clubbing and that's all that happened...honestly.



I don't think any of us are ever going to drink tequila EVER again.

New Year's Resolutions - Amendments

Shaun Palmer, Eat Your Heart Out

15.01.06 - 16.01.06

The Short Story:

I went snowboarding at the weekend, and I was shit at it.

The Long Story:

I'm not in the habit of getting up at 5am, but snowboarding was one of my resolutions, so I fucking did it anyway. The sun was rising as we sat on the train. I didn't want to talk to anyone so I blasted Rachmaninov up to full volume on my iPod, successfully drowning out Lisa's Finnish ramblings. It was absolutely freezing when we got up the mountain, and Paul was embarrassingly inadequately dressed for the occasion - the only person in Bavaria attempting to ski in a pair of jeans. Even after changing, he was reluctant to get started, but I was straight in for some SSX-style action:

The proffessionals all disappeared off, and Paul and I were the only members of the remaining group who were snowboarding (not skiiing). They all had a lesson, so we had to try and teach ourselves. Through watching other people, I managed to get the general idea and I could kind of weave a little bit when I got going. The problem was that I just couldn't stop the fucking thing at the end. Everytime I tried to turn and slow down, I ended up on my arse. I almost killed a small child at one point.

We had lunch in the cafe. I had spaghetti bolognese, and it was pretty gash. I was aching rather a lot by this point, so I bought some cigarettes and had a beer. Paul and I had unlimited passes for the gondolas. The view from the top of the mountains was breathtaking, so we decided to do a little bit of sightseeing:

As he faced the sun he cast no shadow.

The whole thing was pretty disorganised (as every excursion has been), so we were left to sort ourselves out once again. Roísín had just about had enough by the evening, and when we were told we had to scale two mountains on foot, she decided to head back to Munich. A wise decision. Nick, Deepa, Laura, Paul and I (Team Britannia) spent most of our time sliding down the ice 'zu Arsch'. It was wedgy city - the underwear's gone in the bin. How were we supposed to know we needed fucking skis to actually get to the resort?

I was so knackered when we got the to the hut that I just wanted to go to bed (it was only 5.30pm). I hoped the Bavarian dinner would wake me up a little bit. Meat-city. More meat than you could shake a fucking banana at... and beer, of course. The soup warmed me up a little, but I still couldn't shake the tiredness, so I headed upstairs and fell asleep with the iPod on. Unfortunately, I did not get a good night's sleep, because there were some horrendously lairy, drunk Germans in the next room making animal noises into the early hours. Now normally, I would appreciate that kind of thing (I am an ape after all), but tonight just wasn't the night. I fell asleep dreaming of snipering them all from the top of a mountain. Bastards. At least the bed was comfy.

I was pretty cranky the next morning, and neither Paul nor myself were in the mood for skiing. The main problem was that we had to get back to the main ranch without any equipment. Paul burnt a massive hole in his joggers sliding down the ice:

Eventually we made it. We had no cash - only cards - so we couldn't rent skis. Good thing really - we hit the pub for a fat Currywurst with chips. Apparently, it's not wierd to start drinking at midday in Germany, so Paul, Nick and myself ordered some Steins.

I was so tired that I'd left my ciggies on the dinner table the previous night. The damn Germans smoked them all, so I had to go the entire day without a fag. Fucking nuisance. Things were called to a halt pretty early, as it was Sunday and not many trains were running. The bus didn't come so we had to walk in the freezing cold for half a pissing hour. I didn't talk to anyone on the train, 'cuz i was in a foul mood, and beschwipst (slightly intoxicated). Luckily, one of the smaller stops was right near my halls, so I jumped off the train early. I was asleep before my head hit the bedroom floor.

(more photos in the forthcoming gallery)

Umziehen

I've moved home again. This site can now be located at:

www.bigmonkey.org.uk

Land of hope and Monkey

Mmm, Tasty

This afternoon, Paul went to the Supermarkt to get me a banana for my hangover. The bastard bought a joke one instead. I was not happy.

Some Useful Information

- When you drink alcohol, it's absorbed into the bloodstream from the stomach and intestines. All blood from the stomach and intestines first goes through the liver before circulating around the whole body. So, the highest concentration of alcohol is in the blood flowing through the liver.

Liver cells contain enzymes (chemicals) which process (metabolise) alcohol. The enzymes break down alcohol into other chemicals which in turn are then broken down into water and carbon dioxide. These are then passed out in the urine and from the lungs.

The liver cells can metabolise only a certain amount of alcohol per hour. So, if you drink alcohol faster than your liver can deal with it, the level of alcohol in your bloodstream rises.

Apparently, that's a bad thing.

- Great news: They sell Walker's Crisps in the local Subway. They've even got the Marmite flavour. Germans surprise me sometimes.
- For some reason it's only snowing in the small district of Munich where I live. How is that even possible? It's high off the ground too. I can't really see very well and i'm constantly freezing - even with my new fleece.
- I really need to get a job. I'm doing sweet F.A. Apparently there's some demand for translating from German into English. I could try that. You'd think a talking monkey would be able to earn more cash than this.
- Yesterday I corrected Caty's English essay. I would make a good teacher.
- I have completed the first level on Tomb Raider II. I feel fourteen again. (I did not collect all of the secrets.)
- My room is a fucking sty.

Theresh Pardy In Mesha Tonight

I was typing away on my laptop, looked up, and my fucking freaky German neighbour was just standing in my fucking room. Aargh. Very awkward, particularly as there is shit all over the place and Chris was standing in his underwear. The guy had the nerve to ask me if I ever go to university, and suggested that perhaps I'm drinking too regularly. 'Sorry, mate, ermm, do i know you? How did you get in here?'.

We went to the opening party held by the international student's association thing. It was toss, so we fucked off to a different bar.

Quote of the evening: "Oh no. I just saw Maciek's penis."

Tomorrow I'm going snowboarding here:
http://www.lenggries.de/english/index.htm
50€ says i break at least one bone.

Sta Sera Trovo Una Bella Scimmia

11.01.2006

I think I went to a stripclub and fell in love. I can't really remember.

10.01.2006

To celebrate our return to München, the Italian girls held a massive house party (it was also Pasquale's birthday). I believe our alcohol tolerance levels have dropped... because we were all immediately smashed. Paul and I crashed at Alberto's. I don't fit very well in his new jacket, so I now have to travel in a plastic bag. Annoying.

Pasquale clearly missed me:

The boys are back in town:

Hostesses:

Ich Bin Züruck, Baby

09.01.2006

Well...Paul almost missed his flight. He was farting about in the Prêt-à-Manger when they final-called his plane - dickhead. There's nothing better than running at full speed through Stansted airport with two enormous bags on your shoulders. The worst thing was that the moron brought so much stuff back to Munich, that I had to travel in with the suitcases and not with the humans. I think Paul felt a bit guilty, because he bought me a new fleece:

Put The Monkey Back In The Box

8.01.2006

I watched Con Air on BBC One last night. Fantastic. I haven't seen it for ages.

Enjoyment Level: 10/10
Cheese Factor: Off the fucking scale

I'd spent the day shopping in Birmingham and finally managed to get a nice new jacket. The Brummie accent is very bizarre, but I found it strangely endearing. It does sound as if everyone has a blocked up nose.

I sorted myself out with a few posters for the wall in Munich. Nothing special unfortunately - the Virgin/HMV standard, but still better than the crap I've found so far in Germany. I had to re-buy my Simpsons number, because Jason crushed the last one with his enormous shovel-like hands. I also picked up the first two original Tomb Raider games for the PC (£5 for both). Some feel that Lara Croft is dated, and her style of movement is far too awkward and jerky when compared with today's next generation games. I couldn't give a fucking tiny rat's testicle. It's great fun, and she has a beautifully rendered anus.

Go Monkey, It's Your Birthday

Today is my 22nd birthday. Paul bought me a new blue T-shirt, some designer shades, and a banana-scented cologne.

Paul's Dad came over in the evening and took us all to the Bombay Tandoori for a meal. They didn't have any of that banana naan left, so I was a bit pissed off to start with. It all worked out okay though: They'd snuck a birthday cake in round the back, and the waiters brought it out after the curry. I made a wish, blew out my candles and then got stuck in:

Paul, John, Claire, Simon and myself then decided to go for a quick birthday drink in one of Rugby's 'classier' bars. Unfortunately, there is no such thing. We found one called 'Style' which turned out to be a converted house with a few Ikea chairs plonked in it. Utter dogshit. Just because you serve my pint on a napkin, mate, doesn't mean the place isn't a fucking dive. There was also vomit on the stairs.

We left early because John had to go to hospital. He claimed it was a severe asthma attack, but I just reckon he'd ruptured his sphincter with that chicken tikka bhuna.. Simon's just left, so I'm gonna hit the sack. Shopping in Birmingham tomorrow - time to get a new jacket.

Curry Breakfast

I hadn't left the house in four days, so when John arrived home from work last night I was desperate to go for a pint. Luckily for me, he was too, so we had a quick blast at the International-A licence on Gran Turismo 4 then hit The George. £2.60 a fucking pint, and I had to buy a lighter - there wasn't even anyone in there. We got a phonecall from Ape (Simon), who wanted to join us, so we waited for him in the Bilton Social and then headed to the Wetherspoons in town. It was packed with Chavs and Muppies (Rugby seems to have picked up on a Thursday night) so we went to The Courthouse instead. As predicted, it was dead, and the Cluedo machine beckoned.

The idea was to grab a sneaky curry on the way home, but it actually turned out cheaper to go and sit in the restaurant and eat. I asked him to make my Chicken Sagwala 'Madras-Hot' and he did. It almost blew my fucking testes off - had to bag it up. It's 8.57am now - too soon to polish it off for breakfast? I think not.

Resident Evil

I fear I may have started Resident Evil on too hard a setting - there are far too many zombies and not nearly enough bullets. Well, that's one new year's resolution fucked within the hour.

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

I'm not coming back from Germany until August. Here are a few things I'm going to miss, and a few things I'm NOT going to miss:

I will definitely miss:

1. Walkers Crisps

First thing I did after picking my suitcase up at Stansted...bought a packet of Walkers. The Germans haven't got a fucking clue when it comes to crisps.
2. Marmite

You either love it or you hate it...I love it. The Germans, on the other hand, haven't invented it yet.
3. Cadbury's

Don't get me wrong, Germany is the land of chocolate, but nothing beats a Dairy Milk.
4. Cars Driving On The NORMAL Side Of The Road
I've been there for three months and I still almost get killed everytime I leave the house.
5. Sky Digital

German telly is proper shit.
6. Pound Sterling

So much time wasted trying to convert Euros back into pounds. It also looks a bit like monopoly money, so I spend it all on crap.
7. Bad Weather
I do love a bit of rain - no need to even shower in England.
8. The English Language
Speaking German gives me a headache, and the sound of it makes my beautiful little ears bleed.
9. Tea With Milk

Why the hell do Germans drink their tea black? What the fuck? No wonder we won.
10. London

Munich is impressive, but there's a buzz I get from England's capital which simply cannot be matched. (No, I'm really not talking about cocaine.)
11. Uni/School Mates
It's a cracking croud out in Bavaria. Just a shame I can't have everyone else over there to enjoy it too.
12. My Family (No, not the cheesy sitcom - they have that on German Nickelodeon)
Looks like it's back to filthy clothes and marmalade on toast for dinner. Good job Paul's mum's coming over at Easter.
13. Rugby's Bombay Tandoori
There are a couple of blinding Indians in Munich city centre, but nothing beats having it turn up at your door for a tenner on a hangover.
14. The F.A. Barclays Premiership, Match Of The Day and Gillette Soccer Specials

Definitely the best a monkey can get. I was under the impression the Germans showed far more of the football on their own stations. It's all Bundesliga, and the Bundesliga sucks cock.
15. Fish & Chips, Roast Dinners and Cottage Pie

Not all together (although it has been attempted). I can't even cook this kind of thing over there - the ingredients and facilities simply aren't available. Stupid Germans.

I am NOT going to miss:

1. Chavs

They have them in Germany, but they don't smell so bad.
2. Crap Beer

There's nothing I enjoy more than spending £4 on a pint of horse piss in a West London bar.
3. Muppies & iPod Twats
Why do most young English males have mullets now? Did they change the law while I was away?
4. Early Pub and Club Closing Times
I thought the Government had changed the licensing laws in November? I half expected to come back and find Brits just rolling around with bottles of whiskey at 9am. No such luck - the bar staff still yoink your glass out of your hand at twenty past eleven.
5. ITV & Channel 5
Joke television. It really fucking is.
6. McDonald's Staff

The employees in German McDonald's aren't so retarded. I don't think they spit in my McChicken.