My Favourite Things

Listening to the Sound of Music soundtrack on the coach inspired me into writing my own version of one of the songs:

Boozing and smoking,
Occasional toking.
Sleazing and groping,
I swear I'm not joking.
Cocaine with champagne and fried chicken wings,
These are a few of my favourite things...

Lager in shite pubs
Then red wine and nightclubs,
Cocktails and dancing,
Then sleazy romancing.
Big breasts, silk panties and crotchless g-strings,
These are a few of my favourite things.

When I'm hanging,
And my head aches,
When I'm feeling sad.
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel...
Soooo baaaaad.

Big Monkey In Salzburg - Day 3

The Sound Of Music Tour

I had to do the Sound Of Music Tour - I fucking love that film. We sat on a coach and got taken all around the mountainous outskirts of Salzburg, into the villages where it was all filmed.

This is the house they used for most of it (it's now owned by Harvard University):

"Paul is twenty-two, going on fourteen"... the actual place where the rendezvous scene was filmed:

Here's the guesthouse we stayed at. Vintage stuff:

Bust-Up

Paul and I have had a massive row about the state of the bungalow. It's not my fault if I just wanna eat bananas, drink beer, and play on the Playstation all day - the fucking miserable, sanctimonious prick.

And He's Back In The Game!

I finally started class yesterday. The seminar was pretty packed, and noone seemed to give a shit that I was too small to see the tutor at the front, so I climbed up the curtains and sat on a window pane. I have to write a big booming motherfucker of an essay in German, which let's be honest, I probably won't do.

I haven't updated my website for ages, and once again I have no good reason. I think I'll try'nd pick up where I left off in Salzburg.

Yesterday a cat just wondered into our bungalow and started picking at the bin. I tried to kill it:

It's getting nice and warm in Munich, with the odd bit of rain. Today's Lynsey's birthday, so we're gonna get a shitload of meat in, then barbeque it, then eat it.

Big Monkey In Salzburg - Day 2

Our hotel was actually on the outskirts of the city, so after breakfast we had to get a pissing bus into the centre. Paul was NOT happy.

It was nice and hot in the afternoon, so we took some sightseeing photos. Paul's clearly been in the bitter temperatures for too long, because his skin went all red and blotchy after about half an hour of sun. I found a music shop, themed around Mozart:

Paul went in and bought me a nice new bag to be carried around in. It has musical score all down the side, and Mozart's signature at the bottom (I don't think he signed it himself). We're going to invest in a sew-on label, just in case the idle twat accidentally leaves me somewhere, and I can't get home.

Big Monkey In Salzburg - Day 1

The old dear's not been to any mountainous regions before, so we decided to have a proper holiday in Salzburg, checking into a very fancy Austrian guesthouse. I ordered a big, fat ice cream at the neighbouring restaurant, to celebrate our arrival in style.

Once I'd gotten myself settled into the hotel...

I discovered that the sauna only cost 4€, so I decided to sweat out some stress...

...then have a quick swim.

Paul doesn't normally allow me to go in water, because it always takes about two fucking days for me to dry properly, but as we were on holiday, he reluctantly consented.

I decided to get an early night, as breakfast was only served until 10am. Stupid.

Big Monkey Salutes Friedrich Fabrizio von Hohenzollern und Novellino

Big Monkey In Berlin - Abfahren

The plan was to get the train back around midday, but Paul was in the mood for some cocktails, so Quagmire, Paul, Joel (from Oregon) and myself headed to a Cuban place, while the Italians hit Potsdam for a concert. We stayed at a grungy club until about 5am, and Paul somehow managed to chat up the (MALE!) Turkish manager and get some free booze in. The place was odd - there were two dogs (as in actual dogs) running around on the dancefloor. I didn't want to get eaten, so I sat at the bar and got smashed.

Our train left at 06.14, BUT the clocks had gone forward an hour, and we were too drunk to realise. I had a McDonald's breakfast while Fabrizio checked out other regional trains. The only way to get home was to change at FIVE different fucking stations, so I had some pretty broken, drunken, day-time sleep to contend with.

Quagmire cooked up some pasta when we got back to the bungalow, and then I crashed, eagerly anticipating Paul's mother's arrival the following evening...

Big Monkey In Berlin - Day 4

Italian Arrival

The Italian crew boomed into my room at 9am. I nearly died. I felt I should go sightseeing with them, but knew it would probably kill me.

Tired, irritable...and wearing pink shades:

Me doing tricks on the train:

Paul doing tricks outside the museum:

Feckin' Vandals:

A famous German artist painted a portrait of Paul's disgusting foot:

Time to lose some weight:

I can think of a few people who should set up residence in Cock Street:

Doing a bit of shopping at the Berlin 'Selfridges':

Big Monkey In Berlin - Day 3

The Zoo

I begged Paul to take me to the zoo, so he investigated the student discount and we headed off. I got in free, because I used to live there.

Sheila was pleased to see I'd been shopping at H&M:

As was Graham the Seal:

Chatting to my old classmate, 'Enormous Exotic Monkey':

Trying to sniff his arse:

My ex-girlfriend used to be hotter:

Paul and I were ejected from the gift shop, for trying to free these poor bastards:

Paul on a slide:

Nothing beats the raw, earthy smell of a farm animal:

Paul was less keen:

After all the antics, I felt I deserved a Dunkin' Donut...or six:

Big Monkey In Berlin - Day 2

Sightseeing

Determined not to use this as merely an opportunity to get hammered in a different city, I decided to see some of Berlin. Paul and I planned some excursions on the U-Bahn...

...and we were all set.

Fabrizio was pretty tired by the time we checked into the hostel:

Me riding a horse (again):

Drinking tea at the Brandenburg Gate (Quagmire stole the mug):

Chancellor Tuck outside the Reichstag:

Examining the architecture of the cathedral:

Big Monkey In Berlin - Day 1

It's always your cock up, my arse!

Well, we got so fucking drunk that we woke up with ten minutes until Rory's plane took off. Oh, shit. After some panicking, we managed to find a cheap flight from Berlin - a ten hour train mission away from Munich. Oh, bollocks. We slept for the afternoon, and decided to get a late evening train (allocating mainly for Paul's brutal hangover 'problem'). Fabrizio (now known as Quagmire) had planned to go on holiday to Berlin anyway, so Paul and I decided we'd find a hostel and stay for a few days, after Rory had flown home.

As expected, the train journey was hell.

The ticket we bought was invalid on every fucking train we tried. The first set of miserable, shitty, unsympathetic bastard ticket officers were most certainly not buying into our, "We're foreign, we've made a mistake," repertoire. We all had to pay 36€ each with our credit cards (that's gonna sting me in the arse, come April). It didn't look too good me producing a German VISA, after twenty-five minutes of, "I don't speak German, please help us," nonsense.

The second train was also wrong, but the kinder ticket officers, having told us we'd have to get off at Leipzig and withdraw a whopping amount of money, let us travel the whole distance for free. We found a hotel offer and checked in for some much needed sleep (at 10am).

Rory and Fabrizio went to do some sightseeing, but Paul and myself were still feeling pretty fucked, so we stayed in the hotel room. As Rory had had to shell out for another flight ticket, we arrived dangerously early to check him in at Berlin Schönefeld airport. All went to plan. A miracle.